Life is rough sometimes. Everyday, someone is struggling with a new pain.
It could be they are having an off day and they are tired and their hair’s a mess and they just feel like going home and crawling in bed for no reason. Maybe they do not want to go home. Maybe it is their home life that is so rough. Maybe it is the B minus they just got on their physics quiz and they can feel the grade sitting in the grade book, breathing down their neck. Maybe someone in your class lost someone close to them. Someone they foolishly hoped they would never lose. Maybe the crappy day you have been having, has been a month for them.
Every. Single. Day. Someone is struggling. Hurting deep inside. Some people are good at showing their emotions and opening up to others. Some, like me, keep everything inside. I am fortunate enough to have a best friend that is always there for me. Someone who understands that sometimes I just need to keep stuff to myself and ponder my thoughts alone. But when I need her, she is there to listen.
I made it a goal my freshman year to be a better person. But what makes a better person? Every year I say, this year will be new. I will jump in and stay on top of my homework, be a good person and make sure that anyone who needs someone to talk to, can always come to me. Be kind, honest and brave.
And every year, I break my promise.
I forgot who I am and I lose sight of the God I live for at some point. And every time I get mad at myself. I get frustrated. I cry out, enraged and confused with myself on why I am handing my heart to friends that eventually break it. Why I get so caught up in my emotions. This year it started on the first day of school. I was sick of myself and people and living everyday with hatred in my heart. I pushed through day by day. Watching the minutes on the school clock tick away, teasing me with its seconds hand. A dark cloud surrounded me. Black ink dripping out of my skin, making those around me shy away scared of catching my darkness.
Every year I do this. I go through low points of self hatred and misery, and then I scold myself and pop out of my shell and stop hiding for a few weeks. Then, down under I bury my self. And the cycle repeats itself.
In the past I have always been confused on why I do this. But now I understand. I have always gotten so mad at my self for those low points. Mad at myself for treating others and myself with disrespect. But you can not live life mad for making mistakes. One cannot get mad for being human, for having low points.
So instead of trying to make one big change and have one life altering decision, try to work on it day by day. Work on living. Work on being nicer to people. Work on believing in ones self and loving your self. Because you deserve it. We all do. We all deserve to be happy with ourselves and not need material objects, other people, or places to give us this bliss.
It doesn’t have to be a new you, it can be an improving you. Be new again and again.